1974

My ISTORIA Series

It was 1974 and I was a 4 year old immigrant's daughter living in a small house in Knoxville, TN that was located across the street from railroad tracks. The house my parents rented was small, & old, and it would shake when a train went by. A lot happened that year, as it was my first year of pre-school and until that time, I had spent most of my time with my parents, my then one year old brother, speaking Greek. We did go to Cyprus where my brother was born in 1973, and again I spoke Greek with my relatives the whole summer.

My parents took me to school and began coaching me to say specific words in English. I remember repeating to myself, 'Good morning teacher,' over and over as these were foreign words to my vocabulary. I proudly walked up to my teacher, smiled and out came my mother tongue; Greek. I remember the shame, my head dropping, as I walked away in embarrassment. My teacher looked like a deer in headlights, not speaking at all to me.

When I take the Myers Briggs personality test, I consistently test as an introvert. I wonder without this social conditioning how my personality would have developed differently. We are part nature and part nurture, and this experience alone caused me to not want to speak to individuals or groups for a very long time.

I remember being in college, quiet, calling myself shy, never raising my hand to speak in class. When teachers called on me, this was mortifying. After graduation, one of my classmates saw me at Greek Fest at my local church. I was a social butter#y with friends, dancing in the shows, as I was in my element. Her mouth dropped, but she remained speechless. Many years later, my family talked about my shyness or better called, 'selective mutism,' as a young child. My parents remarked they had no idea I was quiet in school, as I would come home, talk, play and laugh. 'No one told us,' was their response to my memories that I am sharing with you today. Truly, the teachers weren't bothered with a silent child. I caused no trouble and was an easy child to ignore.

In 5th grade, we had to read a book report out loud to our class. I was so anxious about this, as I could write and express myself safely, however speaking felt very threatening. As no one tagged this as problematic, I learned to navigate my anxieties framing them as shyness. The selective mutism was disrupted only as I began my studies in mental health counseling. It was 1994, and my eyes began opening with understanding of my process and the reason why. I will visit 1974 in many ways, as there are more stories to tell. I will finish this one for now.

What happened with the book report and speech in 4th grade? I asked God to help me. All I know is when I stepped up to speak, another person seemed to take over my being. I freely and boldly spoke with eye contact with the audience, poise, full range of expression with descriptive words. I was excited to speak, communicating my content (which I knew well). The audience roared with applause when I was finished. My peers walked up to me, one after another, shaking my hand, letting me know what a fantastic job I did. I could not explain what had happened. It felt like a dream. Oh it was real.

Today when I speak, communicating in any setting, I have a similar freedom compared to that day. I have unpacked the core causes of selective mutism slowly throughout my life. Investing in ourselves is worth it. Speech is important. Today, I will speak.